When we signed up with LDS Family Services to adopt, they warned us about failed adoptions. We thought we were prepared, and I thought I could handle it. I deal with the ups and downs of foster care every day, so this should be nothing, right? I've been surprised at how affected I've been by the loss.
I didn't realize how hard it would be to pack up all the tiny unused little dresses, sleepers, shoes, socks and diapers. I didn't realize that I would long so much for a child I never knew, who was never mine, and never will be. I didn't realize I would wonder, how do I go through this experience again and how do I trust them?
I'm trying so hard to pretend it never happened and move on. It was only one month right? A few weeks of hope, joy and anticipation. Surely I should just be able to let it go and move on to the next adoption/infertility experience. My mind is saying move on, but my heart is struggling to catch up. I guess that's where the beauty of the gospel and the atonement comes in. I know with time I will heal and I'll be a better person. I've been blessed with peace and in time the pain and sorrow will go away too.
So where do I go from here? Today I decided to focus on being grateful for what I do have. I have two beautiful foster sons, who I love and adore and who make me laugh every day. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, who steps in when it's just to hard to keep going, and who's always ready with a loving hug. I have the most supportive family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I truly am blessed.
We played with play-dough tonight, and in an attempt to feel normal again, I'm posting pictures of the fun.
I didn't realize how hard it would be to pack up all the tiny unused little dresses, sleepers, shoes, socks and diapers. I didn't realize that I would long so much for a child I never knew, who was never mine, and never will be. I didn't realize I would wonder, how do I go through this experience again and how do I trust them?
I'm trying so hard to pretend it never happened and move on. It was only one month right? A few weeks of hope, joy and anticipation. Surely I should just be able to let it go and move on to the next adoption/infertility experience. My mind is saying move on, but my heart is struggling to catch up. I guess that's where the beauty of the gospel and the atonement comes in. I know with time I will heal and I'll be a better person. I've been blessed with peace and in time the pain and sorrow will go away too.
So where do I go from here? Today I decided to focus on being grateful for what I do have. I have two beautiful foster sons, who I love and adore and who make me laugh every day. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, who steps in when it's just to hard to keep going, and who's always ready with a loving hug. I have the most supportive family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I truly am blessed.
We played with play-dough tonight, and in an attempt to feel normal again, I'm posting pictures of the fun.
Octopus MakeoverBefore:
and After:
4 comments:
I know you don't know me, but I noticed your post on the FSA blogspot. My name is Stephanie and we got finalized and online just before Christmas. My heart hurts for you and your husband because I know exactly what you are going through and lived all your emotions. Before we adopted our first child we had been chosen by a birthmother. It happened quickly by getting a phone call one morning saying we had been chosen and to pick up the baby girl the next day. The next day just before we were suppose to leave to go to the agency, we found out she had changed her mind. My heart was shattered. I also mourned for the baby I didn't even know. Putting all the baby things away again was all I could do, but I knew I had too because they were too much of a reminder of what wasn't happening. I mourned just as if I had had a child die. Many people couldn't understand why I was so emotional because it wasn't like we had the baby and it was taken away from us. But to me it was real because it was a reminder of what I didn't have that I wanted more than anything. So I didn't want you to feel that way. I wanted you to know that I understand your feelings and I am so sorry for your loss. If you would like to email me you are more than welcome too. An adoption friend, Stephanie
brentandsteph123@hotmail.com
I can't imagine what you are going through but I know our loving Heavenly Father does. You are in our prayers! We love the octopus makeover!!
I am so sorry for your loss. You are in our prayers and thoughts. A failed adoption is something very personal and few people understand. We pray that your baby finds your family soon! We have your button on our blog!
oh Heidi! I am sorry girl, I wish I could give you a giant hug, I know it wouldn't help but I am so sorry I just don't have words, I know your baby will find you and you guys are on the path that god meant for you, keep your chin high, and it's ok to be sad and cry!
you'll be in our prayers!
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