Attempting to Move On

When we signed up with LDS Family Services to adopt, they warned us about failed adoptions. We thought we were prepared, and I thought I could handle it. I deal with the ups and downs of foster care every day, so this should be nothing, right? I've been surprised at how affected I've been by the loss.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to pack up all the tiny unused little dresses, sleepers, shoes, socks and diapers. I didn't realize that I would long so much for a child I never knew, who was never mine, and never will be. I didn't realize I would wonder, how do I go through this experience again and how do I trust them?

I'm trying so hard to pretend it never happened and move on. It was only one month right? A few weeks of hope, joy and anticipation. Surely I should just be able to let it go and move on to the next adoption/infertility experience. My mind is saying move on, but my heart is struggling to catch up. I guess that's where the beauty of the gospel and the atonement comes in. I know with time I will heal and I'll be a better person. I've been blessed with peace and in time the pain and sorrow will go away too.

So where do I go from here? Today I decided to focus on being grateful for what I do have. I have two beautiful foster sons, who I love and adore and who make me laugh every day. I have the most wonderful husband in the world, who steps in when it's just to hard to keep going, and who's always ready with a loving hug. I have the most supportive family and friends anyone could ever ask for. I truly am blessed.

We played with play-dough tonight, and in an attempt to feel normal again, I'm posting pictures of the fun.

Octopus Makeover

Before:
and After:

Failed Adoption

We had our first failed adoption. The baby was born this morning, and the family decided to keep the baby. We're so grateful to all our family and friends for the prayers and support. We have felt the blessings of peace and comfort throughout this experience, and we know it's been a blessing from the Lord.

If you'd like to help us in our adoption process, please post the blog button script for our adoption button on your blog. The last family found us from a mutual friends blog using the button, so we're hoping it can happen again. Let us know if you have any questions on how to add it to your blog. We can email it to you or you can copy it from the script below our button on this blog. Thanks!!

Ross Christmas 2010

Christmas 2010 was a blast! Once again, it's hard for us that we can't post pics of the foster kids, but we worked around it a little in this post.

Family Pic in Savannah, GA. You can see who's the center of attention in our home :)We celebrated our Christmas at home this year before we went to visit family in NC. Opa, Oma and Rachel came to celebrate Christmas with us. It was our first year having Christmas at home. It was so much fun being the parents and creating the boys Christmas experience.

Aunt Rachel being Santa's Helper:
Oma as Santa's Helper:
Clint as Santa's helper:
Opa as Santa's Helper:
Christmas morning after Santa's visit:
Santa brought the boys a huge Geo Trax set. We had so much fun staying up late and helping Santa get the tracks ready.
FC2 & his stocking:
The boys created this lovely gingerbread house with the help of Mommy, Oma and Rachel. My favorite part is Frosty sliding down the roof:
And now for the Carolinas. We flew out to visit Clint's family this year. FC2 was able to come with us and LOVED the plane ride. FC1 is close to moving home, so the state wouldn't allow us to bring him.

We spent the first bit at Hilton Head Island, SC. Christmas with Clint's fam:
Julia & Laura as angels:
Pa, Jared, Carter and Emily as shepherds (Emily looks thrilled :) )
Nana & Pa opening presents:
Clint & his sister Stephanie:
Pa & Nana at the beach:
The gorgeous sunset at Hilton Head Beach:
And then we went to North Carolina near Asheville to Clint's parent's house and found:

Lots of snow and awesome icicles:

FC2 LOVED playing with the farm animals. This pic is one of my favorites. If you look closely you can see he's mimicking the goat, lol.
Then FC2 chased all the animals around:
He had no fear and walked straight up to the horses:
Clint taking care of the horses. The childhood version of myself, that used to watch Man From Snowy River repeatedly with my older sister, would have swooned to know that I would marry this guy:

We couldn't bring a lot of toys with us for FC2 to play with, but we did buy some trucks that also worked as blocks. Throughout the vacation we would find these little block towers randomly throughout the condo/house. They always made me smile:

Be Still, My Soul

With all the craziness of life, I've had a lot of inner turmoil lately. FC1 is leaving us this week and we're not sure if the adoption is going to go through. I have definitely experienced a whirlwind of emotions. Be Still My Soul is one of my favorite hymns. Lately it's been in my head nearly 24/7. I'm so grateful to know, that though I don't know all the reasons now, I will some day, and that no matter what happens I can have joy in my life.

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697; trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813–1897

Music: Jean Sibelius, 1865–1957. © 1900 Breitkopf & Härtel. Arr. copyright, 1933, by the Presbyterian Board of Christian Education; renewed, 1961; from The Hymnal.

Our Little Tumbler

I walked by the boys room one night and glanced in to find FC2's bed empty! My heart skipped a beat, and then I found him sound asleep on the floor. We had to take a picture. He is quite the tosser and turner!!